ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!! Wait...it's just allergy season.

I live in Indiana.  The Crossroads of America.  The Hoosier State.  Heart of the Midwest.  Home of the Indianapolis 500 - The Greatest Spectacle in Racing.  AND, the worst f@$&ing place to be if you have seasonal allergies.  About 15 years ago, I started developing, "hay fever."  A little sneezing, watery eyes, no big deal.  As the years have progressed, so have the allergy symptoms.  My allergist explained to me at one appointment that parts of the country gets a lot of tree pollen.  Some parts of the country get grass and weed pollens.  Lucky us get to enjoy both here in Indiana.  This week has been the worst for me so far this season.  Every day, when I walk out of the house to my SUV, there is a fine layer of yellow pollen covering my vehicle.  The temperatures have been warm and breezy, but I have every window closed and the A/C blowing.  If I try to do some yard work, I have to keep tissues in my pocket and remember not to rub my itchy eyes.

Most of allergy season, I can find relief with over-the-counter allergy medication and allergy eye drops.  Unfortunately, there are a few weeks a year that my normal regimen does not quite cut it.  A few days ago, I decided that more is better when it comes to antihistamines.  Instead of one allergy pill for the 24-hour period (as prescribed), I took two pills about 12 hours apart. I still sneezed and snotted all day.  My eyes were so extremely itchy, I rubbed them until they were swollen, red, and watering.  Then, I was reminded that I had put lotion on my hands prior to clawing my eyes because then the skin all around my eyeballs started to burn.  More allergy eye drops squirted into the irritated orbs, so then gooey liquid was dripping down my face.  I still could not get to sleep, so I took a Benadryl at bedtime.  I finally fell asleep.  That must have been when the zombies showed up.

I woke up very reluctantly the next morning.  I slowly staggered into the bathroom, turned on the light, and saw myself in the mirror.  Holy Christ, it looked as if I could have eaten someones brain for breakfast.  My eyes were gross, hollow-looking, dark circles on my face.  The combination of eye goo from the pollen, allergy eye drops, and irritating hand lotion had dried into a creepy scaly pattern around my eyes.  The sheer amount of antihistamines in my system were still giving me a contact high.  I actually was sooooo zoinked out that I stared at my reflection like the un-dead had commandeered my body.  "You look like me.....but you aren't exactly me...."  I brushed my teeth in slow motion.  When I walked down the hallway to wake up my daughters, I thought I was going to start dragging one leg and holding both arms straight out in front of me.  I was relieved to hear the words, "Girls, it is time to wake up," come out of my mouth instead of, "AAARRR!!!!!  BRAINS!!!!"  As the day went on, I slowly came out of my fog and felt slightly more like myself again.

So, next time you watch a zombie movie, look at those poor creatures.  Are they really after your flesh?  Did they really want to eat brains?  Maybe they just need a Zyrtec and a box of Kleenex.

"Excuse me...could you tell us where we could find the aisle with the allergy medications?  Thanks."