I come from a family of six: mom, dad, four kids (three girls and one boy). I have a family of four: me, my husband, two daughters. The relationship I have with my siblings is amazing. We love each other, support each other, and want to see each other succeed and prosper. All four of us have children of our own, and when all the cousins get together, it is nothing short of a party. Everyday, especially the days when my daughters seem to hate each other, I tell them that one day they will not only be sisters but also best friends.
I always knew I wanted children, at least two. I had my first daughter when I was 32 years old. Daughter #2 was born when I was 34 years old. There have been times where I have thought to myself, "If I had started having kids when I was younger, maybe I would have had more than two." Then, there are other days when I think I should have just raised dogs. Or horses. Or wild boars. Maybe Africanized bees. Because there are days that these other options sound easier than raising kids. I know this next sentence is going to sound taboo, but I am going to say what nearly EVERY mother has thought/felt at least once: "Why the fuck did I have kids?" I know, I know....a number of you reading this now think I'm a total bitch. However, there are some of you who have secretly thought the exact same thing. I have spent most of my life saying what others may only be thinking. I will say what is on my mind, and when I do this, I usually find that others share these thoughts. I love my daughters. I love them so much. I love them soooo much that sometimes it is painful. They are beautiful, smart, funny, affectionate girls who are kind to other children and love animals. With all that said, I still feel there are days that the only goal they have is to drive me insane.
When women become moms, there is a change that occurs. I am not talking just the big belly, swollen boobs, varicose veins, and hemorrhoids. There is a different transformation that happens. A change defining who that woman has now become. Her life has changed. Nothing is the same from that moment on. For some women, it may be the last thing in life that they wanted to accomplish, so they are set for the rest of their lives. These women are content to strive for perfect motherhood, raising their children with a passion, and I totally admire these women. These moms usually are so relaxed and know how to, "go with the flow." They seem to have a magic wand that produces fruit snacks and juice boxes from one pocket and a puke bag, children's Tylenol, and baby wipes from another.
Some moms have a different challenge. Some of us realize there were things we didn't get to do, yet. Some of us realize that we will never do some of the things we used to do. Some of us feel like we are no longer the person we started out as. These thoughts can be harder than labor itself. What I have done is to realize that there is a balance that my life has had to learn to control. Keeping the scales level is so difficult. It's like my daughters, my husband, and my home are on one side of the scale. I am on the other side. I know that sounds quite lopsided, but this is what works for me. I need to be able to balance my side of the scale with everything else on the other side. The way I have learned to do this is to know that it is not selfish to meet my needs. Whether they are ways to work my brain, my body, my health, or my creativity, if I do not take the time to balance me, I cannot balance anything. Nothing works in our lives if the scales are completely tipped to one side or the other. For a long time, I tried to distribute things equally, but I discovered that my peace equalled a calmness that was shared by all. Women need to know that it is hard to be a mom. It is hard to love your kids when they are having a meltdown on the sidewalk. No one likes cleaning up vomit at 2:00 a.m. These are all going to come along with motherhood, but who you are inside does not have to disappear. Does it need to change? Yes. Disappear? No. You can be a good mom, love your kids, and still have goals for yourself. The goals may be different than when you were 22 years old (own a Harley-Davidson, get another tattoo, travel through Italy), but it is necessary to balance your side of the scale.
I started knitting a few years ago. Several people who know me thought this was very out of character for me. My years of big 1980's hair, rock concerts, tight jeans and attitude, it would have sounded more normal for me to say I was learning how to give tattoos than to say I was teaching myself to knit. I love to knit. Not my goal at 22 years old, but it is a happy part of who I am now. How do I fit that in the balance to still reflect who I am? I will not just knit you a scarf. I'll knit you a fucking awesome scarf that will kick other scarves asses.
I'm still me, just a different version of me.
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